Defeated

I feel defeated. I feel like I am a failure as a woman.

Tim and I got into a big fight yesterday. The only thing we ever fight about, sex. I don't want sex as often as he does. It makes him feel ugly and unwanted. That's not true at all. I love everything about him. I find him very attractive. I love the way his body looks.

Instead of leaving me he swore to be celibate for the rest of his life. I thought he was exaggerating, that he wasn't going to try to turn me on but I could still turn him on. No, he was 100% serious. He didn't plan on having sex again. Ever. That simple idea tore at me. I didn't want that at all. I love him. I want to be with him in every way. In my mind, it was the beginning of the end. How could a relationship possibly last without sex?

When he was explaining how he felt, he raised his voice. He didn't yell, but came close. He couldn't believe I was just sitting there and taking it, that I wasn't fighting back. What was I supposed to say? I'm sorry. I haven't tried hard enough. I want to make this work. I don't want to give up on this. On us. I read a thread on WeddingBuzz about a girl who was NEVER in the mood. I read the whole thing. Some girls mentioned maybe it was her birth control decreasing her sex drive. Maybe it was anxiety, that anxiety pills would increase it. Others said that anxiety pills decrease it. Some girls suggested having sex anyway, that eventually your drive would increase. I don't like the idea of that. If I don't want it, I don't want it. I don't feel like I should give in for the sake of keeping things okay. Because of past relationships, not wanting to and still doing it is the same thing as rape in my mind. I shouldn't feel guilted into it. But I got to thinking. The first few months of our relationship were fine. Then, I switched birth control because of migraines. So I thought about switching back to my old birth control.

I felt like I was losing my grip on everything. I was a mess. I cried like I hadn't cried in 5 and a half years (when I lost Tim the first time). It was the nasty, snotty, hiccuping cry. Finally, he loosened up. He held me. He let me cry. He let me squeeze him, and snot all over his shirt. He apologized and asked if taking back everything he said would make me feel better, that he'd do anything to take that look out of my eyes. No, taking it back wouldn't make me feel any better. Then we made love. It was great. But afterward, I still felt lousy. Today, the day after, I still feel lousy. I feel like I'm not pleasing my man often enough. But it's not my fault if I'm really not in the mood.

I called the gynocologist today, about switching my birth control. They called me back and left me a voicemail saying that they probably weren't going to change it and they'd explain if I can call back around 4:45. So I sit and wait.